Cole’S Law Blog

If there’s one thing I hate in this world it’s cats.  Cats are worthless creatures that make me allergic to hot girls’ apartments.  Sure, the women who have cats are hot now, but rest assured many of them are indeed batshit crazy.[1]

See here’s my beef with cats: they’re users.  If cats were people, they’d be assholes.   I mean c’mon, what kind of friend takes a dump in your house and leaves it there for you to clean up?  Seriously cat? That’s what you’re doing here?  There’s a reason that Earl Simmons asks “where my dogs at?” instead of cats.  Dogs are loyal.  Cats are selfish.

If cats had a job, it’d be bank robber.  There’s a reason that we call them cat burglars.  And what about black cats?  They’re unlucky as shit.  Black dogs?  Not so much.  Not only are black dogs cool but they’re also the subject of a sweet Led Zeppelin song.  And if you hate Led Zeppelin then I suggest you put on a Genesis record and start licking yourself into oblivion (Phil Collins is not a dog guy and it’s actually amazing how many animal rescue youtube videos feature a Phil Collins song).  But all this talk about cats and jobs and stuff is not what you would call logical thinking.  There’s a much more logical reason for hating these furry fucks.

The real reason I hate cats is because they’re simply not team players.   Seriously…just look at yarn.  Cats love yarn more than my arthritic grandmother.  But give a cat two sewing needles and what do you get?  Nothing.  A cat has never contributed a patch to an AIDS quilt.  So what’s with the yarn then, cat?  You’ve been playing with the damn thing for thousands of years.

“Oh, but he looks so cute with the yarn,” you might say.

Get with it hot girl!  (okay that last link was not a hot girl with a cat but it was a cat fight, definitely the only euphemism cats have on dogs.  Dog fights aren’t fun to watch for anyone…resisting urge….can’t…not….make…Vick joke….DAMN!)

Cute is not a commodity in this world (well maybe it is).  How about some clothes or shelter?  Dogs know what’s up.  Homeless people have dogs because dogs know how to sell sorrow.  But you would just there like an idiot, wouldn’t you, you dumb cat?  And dogs don’t just stop there.  Sure business is down, what with mini-horses taking away some of the seeing eye fun, but do you think a cat will direct you across a crowded intersection?  Fuck no!  He’ll just meow until you throw him a ball of fucking yarn.  And I’m sorry to be back on the yarn thing but seriously, what the hell is with that yarn, cat?  A dog knows what to do with a Frisbee.  He knows that he needs to get that fucking Frisbee.  Do you think a cat knows to knit me a sweater?  So until that day, fuck you cats!