Cole’S Law Blog

While I’m not a big believer in “science,” the one thing they got right was craniometry, the inbred cousin of phrenology.  Basically this now dead science was used to determine someone’s personality from their facial structures. This brings us to the present day and the Constitutional Law class I am currently attending. The girl sitting next to me has these crazy bug eyes that write “stalker” all over her face. Today though, I’m truly feeling for her, and it’s not because of her crazy eyes that make her look like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  No, it’s because she has the extreme displeasure of sitting next to me.

I’ve launched a full-scale MGM Body War on myself. I am currently typing this with a largely sprained pinky finger; my hands are shaking from some kind of withdrawal; I haven’t shaved since Thursday; I took a shower in a sink right before hopping a flight back home at five in the morning. It wasn’t until after said shower that I realized my deodorant was packed under a bevy of dirty clothes. At that point, the cab was already outside. Fuck it.

One of the many things I have a gripe about is the people here who eat complicated meals in class. The rule should be that if you can eat it during a run (bar or candy of some sort), it’s fair game, otherwise, hold your stomach and forgo the nicoise salad.

Which brings us back to Crazy Eyes McGee. Swimfan’s meal is an anorexic’s ice cream sundae: three scoops of Greek yogurt and a shitload of walnuts. In addition to a tall glass of water there’s a bottle of something called NuStevia which I later find out to be a diet supplement which, according to its website, contains “absolutely no pesticides.” I also have a rash from the two cats I shared a couch/Aerobed with for the past four nights.[1] I also need “to go” in the scatological sense.

The sounds coming from my body sound like a muted bass drum and over the past few days I have eaten like a death row inmate the night before the Electric Slide. Since arriving Thursday in New Orleans my Carbon footprint has gone from Chinese footbinding to human Sasquatch. The following is an almost complete list of things that have been ingested over the past 80 hours:

Start, Thursday February 19, 2009 – 10:15 p.m.

One 12 inch chicken parm sandwich

One sprite, lemonade, and Bankers Rum drink

Four double whiskey and cokes – $2 each[2]

Five miller lites

Three bud lights…

We now interrupt our programming to give you the final 3 seconds of the HBO Award Winning Series, The Sopranos.