Cole’S Law Blog

I’m sitting in my Torts class and we are discussing some kind of negligence, don’t ask me what kind. Basically I walk into class at 8:59, turn on my computer, and try to remain hidden behind my monitor while willing the professor’s call sheet away from my name. Although I did read for today, I am largely uninterested in the topic for the day. Not to say this isn’t how I feel every day but come on; I have important stuff to do here, like read ESPN and google myself.

The next step beyond laptop screen invisibility is the looking intently at the teacher while also remaining low key and unassailable. I have found that if you put your index finger on the side of your head, the middle finger above the mouth, and the thumb below the chin, you give off all the appearances of a student who seems to be genuinely interested in the class discussion while still reading ESPN. I suppose I should show more consideration to the classroom but I’ve adopted a new definition of the term that absconds me from my non-contractual moral obligations. Besides, what’s with all this letting-girls-off-the-elevator-first business? Their priorities are out of order. When it comes to elevators, women need to be more interested in going down than they are about getting off. (This is to apply only to elevators.)

Two days later and I’m in torts again. We’re doing some such medical malpractice case about causation. Teacher told us that lawyers are the second biggest substance abusers in a profession aside from doctors. Since when is crack whore not a viable profession? My handwriting is so bad now that I could probably write a prescription to something abuse-worthy. As an aside, I swear that the kid sitting next to me is wearing the exact same white sweater as the girl sitting two rows in front of me. Shit, I think he knows that I’m talking about him. Shit, I should probably stop staring at him and judging him while talking about him. I should also probably stop saying all of this out loud.

Right now, 71% of the girls in class are wearing scarves. These meaningless rags cover up the only thing that helps me forget that I’m in law school. Turtlenecks are slightly better but still are an annoying shiv in my side. These girls are taking the Wu a little too seriously. Ladies, there are more important things to protect than your neck.

In lighter matters, exams are a month away and a few things have changed for the even worse. It’s almost November and a group of girls have aligned their menstrual cycles after continuous hours spent in the library. There is also a new faction of people that I call the shhh people. These are the people who say shhh during class when other people are talking out of place. I’m not friends with any shhh people for a reason. Aside from drivers who throw their cigarettes out of their windows and right into my windshield, girls at bars who are engaged, and scarves, there is nothing I hate more than the shhh people.

Actually, I’d like to amend this complaint as I’m now remembering that which I loathe most: the fake laughter that the class emits from lame puns and terrible jokes that the professors make throughout these lectures. We just discussed a case where a girl got raped twice on her walk home after she was forced to exit a train in the middle of nowhere. The teacher precluded the case description by calling it a “fun and interesting” case.

As for election day, I’d be a lot more excited if it was being held in China. Let us all remember to shun our consideration and that the Old English prefix of chivalry is shiv, something that you get stabbed with while starring in your very own reality rendition of The Shawshank Redemption. Shit, I can’t wait to get out of here, sit on my couch, read ESPN, and google myself while I look at girls who don’t wear scarves or turtlenecks. First though, I’m off to the pharmacy.