A No Bull Cause of Action
As the Jewish New Year approaches, the Semitic demographic[1] is asked to analyze our decisions of the past year and atone for our yearly misgivings. One thing that I have learned from all of this is that we have to hold ourselves personally liable for our own decisions as the practice of scapegoating has gone out of fashion. Thanks Hitler.
After reflecting upon our sins, we are usually compelled by some sort of moral compass to change our approach to living; to behave in a more fulfilling and noble manner. Normally, I am not a proponent of change as the only people who seem to be clamoring for it are either homeless people or Democrats. That’s bad no matter which way you slice its head off. If you want change, wish for a penny fountain you damn hobo! And even if the fountain has been mined, look on the bright side, at least you can take a bath you dirty bastard.
There is one change that I am looking forward to and that is fall. By fall I am referring to the falling of trees and the foliage that presently foils my view of the city. Why can’t these trees just die without getting all yellow about it? I am fonder of perpetually warm locales that carry a small chance of natural disaster. Nonetheless, I suppose that a change of demeanor is necessary as I look into the fun house mirror and reflect upon my own mundane trespasses.
I guess my one regret is that I wasn’t honest enough this year and by and large failed to call people out on their bullshit. Also, that Israeli soldier I couldn’t close in June. Okay, two regrets.
Therefore, it is my resolve to change for the worse; to call people on their bullshit, even if it means being hated. Currently, I am hated by perhaps only one person in the world. But this is only passive hate and in all likelihood, was probably forgotten the following morning. In my defense, gas is expensive and the bus stop is right outside my house.
Anybody who really knows me will tell you that I’m a pretty nice guy. In the past, I have always prided myself on the ability to bend over, not necessarily backwards, for others who don’t seem to notice. In contracts class we have learned in the majority of cases that internal intent is largely immaterial in a contractual dispute (Lucy v. Zehmer). In this case, the court held that a contract is established by the external intent of the parties that a reasonable person would infer from the actions of the other party. It is time to present the world with the truth. For what good is being an asshole if you don’t objectively manifest it?
To actively and purposely go about being hated is a daunting enterprise. So far as I know, I have not given anybody a legitimate reason to actively plot my demise. Everyone has the natural instinct to be well-liked, socially accepted, and part of a group (high school/fraternity/country club/Heaven). But sometimes, our need to be well-liked can lead to personal detriment.
Issue: Whether it is better to be liked by everyone that I meet and not achieve my goals or whether it is better to achieve my goals knowing that I will be resoundingly hated by at least some people.
Holding: Being hated by some people is a sacrifice we must make to get what we want without making our moral compass point south. If you can’t remember the last time you told someone to go fuck themselves then you are doing yourself a major disservice.
To go against this cultural norm will take finesse and tact, two things that I lack. I am not a planner, a schemer, or a plotter. I’ll have to wing this whole inciting hatred business by being deliberately negligent and remaining absolutely ambivalent to the plight of others. Besides, given my chosen career path, I’ll have to get used to it. I just hope that when the slip and the fall do arrive, as they most inevitably will, I’ll have a medical malpractice attorney who owes me a favor.
[1] If you are unfamiliar with Jews, you may know us from our complaints about how hot/cold it is, or our family arguments in public places.
Socrates Wipes Away My Clean Slate
Things are beginning to escalate as I begin recognize that my ability to procrastinate indefinitely has begun to turn into a sneaking inclination to make a concerted effort. I’m sure I’ll start to make one sometime in the near future.
One thing that I had purposely availed myself of was neglecting to disclose my penchant for silence throughout the first few weeks of class. I neglected to mention this for fear of jinxing such an admirable streak. Eventually though, my name was uttered and I was able to blurt out an answer with the coherent fluency of a Lil Wayne guitar solo. Since then, I have been called on about as many times as I have seen a bald eagle, or a law student without an Obama sticker affixed to his thermos.
In a lot of these classes, we deal with issues that have been discussed since ancient Greece. One of these key elements is causation. I think that I understand this subject quite well, although I am still somewhat perplexed at LBJ’s decision to send the homeless to fight in Vietnam. No wonder why we lost.
Speaking of Greeks, I would like to note that while Socrates may have invented a method by which great legal minds have been taught for centuries, he still didn’t have the sensibility to wipe.
In more personal matters, my apartment has flooded in pocket Biblical proportions. My charming view of the city has has been mitigated by the pervasive stench of mold and mildew. Has G-d never heard of due process? At the end of it all, when it’s time for judgment, I’m definitely going to motion for a change of venue. There’s no way I’m letting him have home court advantage. Let’s just hope I have a good lawyer.
Some readers, and by some I mean one, have inquired as pertaining to my identity. Let’s just say that you wouldn’t want to steal it, even if it did come with free parking. As for my law school itself and its overall ranking, I would say that it’s more competitive than the presidential race and less competitive than the NFC East. If you haven’t picked up on the clues as to my whereabouts, don’t worry, as it’s immaterial and falls outside the scope of our case. I live in a town where there are probably more lawyers than cockroaches. I say probably because the line between them is thin and difficult to discern; lawyers don’t scatter when you turn on the light.
It appears as if the days of slacking are numbered. There remains ample time to rinse but none to repeat. Law school is turning me into a fucking Rastafarian. As for this post, I think that I’ll finish it later. I need a shower and the exterminator’s coming later to fumigate the apartment. For some reason, I have locusts.
Hurricane Cole’Slaw: Should we rebuild the Watergate?
A person has asked me to update the site with a new post, however, I ensure you that this is not pandering to that particular reader. I’ll write whenever I damn well please. Just be glad to get anything. Why do you need me anyways? Write your own drivel you 9-5 IBM pissant.
So, I guess that it’s only natural that I talk about the looming elections that will soon overtake some of our lives, only to return us unchanged and unresolved. I am of course talking about the upcoming SBA student elections for first-year law students. Our most promising candidate has based his entire platform on acquiring new Posturepedic chairs for the library. No sense in bettering the world or other charitable acts, there’s a guy over here with restless leg syndrome. This kid already has written a mock newspaper article with inside jokes from the initial two weeks of law school. As for me, I’d rather elect the Prince of Nigeria or that rapist Nixon. (Checkers still sore after all these years)
Politics and the law seem to be inextricably linked and with all of this election crap being slung, I ask myself one question: if I pretend to care enough about something, can I trick myself into actually caring about it? My answer has always been a resounding no. I think that I have sort of a weak stomach for that sort of business. Politics is not for people with Crohn’s. So, go ahead and delude yourselves anyway, just don’t ask me to write your fucking speeches, or your jokes for that matter.
As for actual work, it really isn’t that bad yet. Most of the work consists of reading and then writing case briefs, which are widely available on the Internet. They tell us to write our own briefs, but I liken it to flossing in that it’s probably better if you do it, but no one does it. I suppose that I could be putting in more of an effort, but December exams are far away. Besides, Seinfeld’s only on three times a day, I still have 22 and a half hours left to study.
I’m still thinking that this whole law dealie is having some drastic affects on my personal life. I’m currently seeing a girl who lives in The Watergate and I feel like a CREEP. I may not win an election but, hey, at least I’m fucking spongeworthy.
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