Cole’S Law Blog

Taking a piss

Posted in Uncategorized by Cole on August 30, 2008

When you’re about to go to law school, everyone thinks that you need advice, especially lawyers. The thing with advice is that you rarely get any that’s as good as your own. So anyway, we’re talking and I’m giving him all the head nods and keen eye placations that would indicate that I don’t want this guy to go fuck himself. Then he says to me, “remember, it’s a marathon, not a race.” I realize I’m out of shape. Way to rub it in asshole.

Law school is supposed to be an intimidating place. Everyone seems to be smarter than you, nothing you read makes any sense, and your books weigh more than your lower lumbar would ever care to support. Luckily, it seems as though I have some good, understanding professors to throw pixie dust over it all. But it’s what they’re sugar coating that I’m looking forward to with great disdain.

With the first week of law school behind me, I look ahead to the shit sandwich that will be the rest of the year. Although the week itself was not very strenuous, we all know what’s ahead of us, that it’s all going to get much worse before it gets any…less worse.

Some things I have learned include the following nuggets of truth:

  1. A civil action is commenced by filing a complaint.
  2. Lack of intent does not free someone from a conversion tort.
  3. A Contracts book makes a very good coaster for Scotch.

Well, I’m off to the beach for the weekend to tan my white-picket chest while trying to refrain from operating any heavy machinery. The beach is a great place where no one judges you, and if they do, at least it’s to your face. It’s a place where if anything, you’re judged by the most appropriate of parameters, your drink. As I sling back drink upon drink to my liver’s glee, there’s still that voice in the back of my head, urging me to remember “it’s a marathon, not a race.” Thanks to the Scotch, I won’t.

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Law School: The apocalypse or am I just taking a piss?

Posted in Uncategorized by Cole on August 25, 2008

As I start my first day of law school there are several options that are available to relieve the unprecedented aggravation I will soon encounter. Sitting in my first class a few thoughts occurred to me as to how I could alleviate the coal-crushing pressure that I will be forced to impose on myself. I am only comforted by the hopeful notion that by the end of the semester I will shit out a diamond and retire happily (barring that it passes the Kimberley Process and doesn’t fall under “conflict diamond” status).

As I waited in horror for my name to be called, I tried to think of some ways that I could successfully get through this, relieve stress, and vent accordingly. This list included 1.) extensive complaining, 2.) taking a shit, 3.) a habitual regimen of chronic masturbation, or 4.) starting a blog. So I decided to do the most painful thing and start a blog. Besides, I’m chafing already as it is.

In the coming months I will subject you, my fortuitous reader(s) to my daily thoughts and grimaces.
Now I know that most people say that starting a blog is so bland and cliche, but so is that statement. By now, even that statement and this one explaining it is so largely unoriginal that you can go on in continuation for as long as you want to carry it. In this blog I will try not to be overtly unoriginal and will refrain from making stupid anecdotes, lawyer jokes, and overused idioms that everyone hates. But I digress.

A lot of people ask “why do this?” and my answer is that I “don’t know but don’t want a job.” From an early age it was institutionalized in me to be the ultimate self-loather, which essentially made law school a fucking inevitability. Others say that if you “don’t like to argue” then you can’t be a lawyer. I personally hate arguing but am good at it. Does being good at something mean that you should make it your pursuit, or do you have to like it? Either way, it’s better than getting a fucking job.

So join me on my journey and enjoy my transformation from introverted polite nice guy to introverted hermetic shut-in, douche. I can’t promise that this will be funny, as I just learned that this could be construed as a guarantee and hence make me liable for breach of contract. (You don’t have to laugh at that.)

If you like what I’m writing, then great. If you don’t, fuck yourself. I don’t give a crap. Speaking of that, I’m going to go see if number 2 on my list can do what this post has failed to accomplish. So until next time, fuck off.

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